2. White Shoes and Wrists

I've been sleeping so strange at night. I don't know if it's because of me or due to the fact that my parents fight all night. My door opens.
"I can't sleep, Bree"
My little brother Daniel always comes into my room while they're fighting. He's a tough little kid. I love him. Unlike me, he's young and having to deal with this. Why should a eight year old have to deal with this shit? He's tough though. He's solid. "Lay over here." I motioned to the spot next to me in bed. He got into my bed. He held me close and fell asleep. Why? I found myself asking every night as my parents went wild. Yeah, and believe me, they went wild. It was nothing new yet every night splashed down on us as if it was. It never got old, it was always new blood. One fight after the other before the dust even has time to settle. The worst part, and it's about to happen, is when they brought us into it. My door burst open. It was mom this time.
"Get up!"
She said sourly. "Get the fuck up!" I didn't move. Daniel was waking up now. She was drunk, he was drunk, it was Tuesday. She walked across my bedroom towards my bed.
"Can you not hear me?"
"How could I not? You're yelling."
"Get up!"
I still didn't move. Why should I? What would she do? Hit me? I've been hit before. I've been beat. I've been made red. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't condone it but when you're trapped in a cage with no way out, you get used to it. Sad, right? Used to it. I want to shake just thinking about what I just said. No one should be used to it. "What do you want?" I said trying to hide my annoyed self.
"What do I want? What do I want? Mike!"
"Just leave us alone."
Mike is my dad. Dalia is my mother. Mike came to the door. He's tall, bald, and scary.
"Why are you pissing your mom off?"
"Pissing her off? Weren't you two just going at it?"
"What are you talking about?"
This act. This stupid act they play. I'm sixteen, not fucking eight. I know when they're fighting. They thought we didn't. "She doesn't do anything! All she does is go out and have sex!" my mom cried. She was half right. I'll let you guess about what.
"What?"
"You heard me! Mike, all she does is sleep around. Other mothers tell me it's so!"
My dad looked down at me. He was angry now. Daddy's little girl, he used to call me. Truth is, I never was. I was never either of theirs. "You're an idiot!" I told her. I meant it.
"What did you call me?"
"An idiot!"
"You little bitch!"
Daniel had his arms wrapped around me with his face on my stomach. He was shaking. "Why don't you just leave us alone? Go fight somewhere else!" She lost it. She ran up to the bed and grabbed me by the wrist. Daniel fell off the bed and began to cry. "I'll show you." She tried to show me. We rolled on the ground as she tried to hit me in the face. I didn't let her. I wouldn't in front of Daniel. Mike stood and watched. He didn't care. All he cared about was himself. He wasn't my dad. She almost got me that time. Almost hit my right eye. Almost. "Get off of me!"
She got up from the ground. "One of these days you're going to end up raped and murdered and I won't care!" She said with no regret. I didn't reply. How could I? I stood up slowly. I had to make a clean escape. I had to leave. Where to? I don't know. I sat on the bed. Daniel hugged my back.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"I'm leaving."
"You're not going anywhere."
Mike finally spoke. There was never any emotion in his voice. He always seemed so empty. Was I empty? Born from these two. These monsters. Am I a monster? If not yet, will I become one? The apple doesn't far from the tree, I imagined someone would one day say. I shuddered at the thought. "Let her leave. Little shit deserves to be in the streets." I put on my white shoes. My favorite pair Daniel bought me last year. He saved up all his money just for them.
"Don't listen to her."
"It's okay, Mike. I'll go."
"Finally!" She yelled.
"She's only sixteen!"
"I was fifteen when I was on my own!" She continued.
"And look how you turned out!" I yelled and slammed my door. It was over for the night. I'm not sure how all of this got started but to be honest, it doesn't matter. If not today, it would have been tomorrow. "Are you really leaving?" Daniel said in a sad tone. I nodded. He didn't want me to go. He didn't want to be left alone. I kissed him on the forehead.
"It's okay, they won't hurt you."
"Don't go."
"I have to go."
"No you don't."
"Yes, Danny, I have to."
I kissed his cheek this time. He's so young, so fragile, so pretty. "I'll be back. You'll be alright." I walked over to the book shelf. I didn't have many books anymore. She always threw them away when she'd go on a random tantrum.
"Here."
"What's that?"
"It's my favorite book."
"Your favorite?" He smiled.
"My favorite. It's called Cartoon Blues. I want you to have it."
"But you won't have it." He said afraid he was taking something important from me. I pulled out my copy of it from my back pack. "I have another one. The one I'm giving you is my first copy of it." I messed with his hair. "You just take care of it. It's a story about love, death, and the after life. You'll love it. Maybe one day you'll understand it." I continued to put stuff in my bag.
"How long will you be gone?"
"I don't know."
"So why are you leaving?"
"Because it just feels right. I can't be here for awhile."
"But will you be okay? Where will you sleep?"
"I don't know, Danny. I don't know."
I tried not to cry. I didn't like being interrogated. Especially by him. "Can I come with you?" Damn. He knows how to play the strings on my heart, doesn't he? "No. You have to stay here." He couldn't come with me. It would be too scary for him. Hell, it was scary for me. I'm not showing it, but I'm terrified. I don't know what I'm doing. But what else is there?
"I'll be fine, Danny. You just go to bed. Sleep here if you'd like."
"It's not fair." He crossed his arms.
"Life's not fair." I kissed him again on his warm forehead. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave. I had to leave. "Goodbye, Danny. I love you." I left before he could reply.
"Shit!"
I said sitting against a wall by a dirt field. My Ipod is dead and my cd player is CD-less. I'm basically screwed. It's okay, I'll hit up the record store tomorrow. I guess it's just me and the sound of insects for the night. I need to make my way to the nearest park and find myself a dry place to sleep. "Fuck this shit." I walked on for a while before I found a place to sleep.
"Ew, what's that smell?" Sarah Jones said as I walked by. Her friends laughed I'm guessing because they knew it was me. I wonder if she knew how many fucks I gave that day. "This." I punched her in the face. One, twice, three times. "Open your mouth again bitch and it will be worse next time." The school security hauled me to the counselors office.
"Mrs. Callahan, this is your second fight of the semester. I'm afraid I can't have this."
"It won't happen again."
"You said that last time."
"I know, but, Mrs. Bartlett, I had a rough night at home and I couldn't stand the bitch talking-"
"Excuse me?"
"I couldn't stand her talking trash as if my life needs any more crap in it."
I had to play my cards right. I didn't need getting expelled on top of things. School was my only way out of this city. "You're suspended for two days. I don't want to hear another word about it. You really need to think about what you're doing with your life, young lady." I nodded. I always did.
"That's the last one."
He grabbed it at the same time as me. What are the odds? I don't want to look at him. "I know, that's why I grabbed it." I wish he'd let go of it. He doesn't know how much I need this music right now.
"Well, I really want it." I told him calmly.
"As do I."
"You can wait until they get more."
"Why can't you wait?"
"I said it first."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
He was right. What did that have to do with anything? Wait what, he just let go. Play it cool. "I thought so." Wow, he's, well, yeah, he's handsome, isn't he? Time to walk away. "Wait!" He's following me. Just great, a stalker to top things off. At least he's cute though. It could be worse. Right? Right?
"Can I help you?"
"What's your name?"
"What time is it?"
He told me the time but I didn't really care. I wanted to see him fumble for his phone so I could think things over. What to do, what to do, what to do? I know! You only live once, right?
"My name is Bree Callahan."
I kissed him. I don't regret it. Not even to this day. Thinking back, I wonder if things would have been different. Would I be in love? Would I have grown into who I am today? He was a great kisser. He held my wrists tightly. He held my wrists. I liked it. I liked him. I pushed him away.
"What's your name, fucker?"
He licked his lips.
"My name's Sonny Stone."
We continued until we were kicked out. My day, well, it wasn't so bad anymore. I ran into a beautiful boy who held my wrists the right way. Not the way my parents would when they poured their anger out onto me. By the way, I miss Danny. I looked down at my white shoes. They were muddy now. It made me a bit sad. I always did my best to keep them clean. Sonny ran his hand through my hair. I looked up at him. He didn't say anything.
"What do you want to do?"
"Anything you wanna do." He said as he held my hand.