I've been sleeping so strange at night. I don't know if it's because of me or due to the fact that my parents fight all night. My door opens.
"I can't sleep, Bree"
My little brother Daniel always comes into my room while they're fighting. He's a tough little kid. I love him. Unlike me, he's young and having to deal with this. Why should a eight year old have to deal with this shit? He's tough though. He's solid. "Lay over here." I motioned to the spot next to me in bed. He got into my bed. He held me close and fell asleep. Why? I found myself asking every night as my parents went wild. Yeah, and believe me, they went wild. It was nothing new yet every night splashed down on us as if it was. It never got old, it was always new blood. One fight after the other before the dust even has time to settle. The worst part, and it's about to happen, is when they brought us into it. My door burst open. It was mom this time.
"Get up!"
She said sourly. "Get the fuck up!" I didn't move. Daniel was waking up now. She was drunk, he was drunk, it was Tuesday. She walked across my bedroom towards my bed.
"Can you not hear me?"
"How could I not? You're yelling."
"Get up!"
I still didn't move. Why should I? What would she do? Hit me? I've been hit before. I've been beat. I've been made red. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't condone it but when you're trapped in a cage with no way out, you get used to it. Sad, right? Used to it. I want to shake just thinking about what I just said. No one should be used to it. "What do you want?" I said trying to hide my annoyed self.
"What do I want? What do I want? Mike!"
"Just leave us alone."
Mike is my dad. Dalia is my mother. Mike came to the door. He's tall, bald, and scary.
"Why are you pissing your mom off?"
"Pissing her off? Weren't you two just going at it?"
"What are you talking about?"
This act. This stupid act they play. I'm sixteen, not fucking eight. I know when they're fighting. They thought we didn't. "She doesn't do anything! All she does is go out and have sex!" my mom cried. She was half right. I'll let you guess about what.
"What?"
"You heard me! Mike, all she does is sleep around. Other mothers tell me it's so!"
My dad looked down at me. He was angry now. Daddy's little girl, he used to call me. Truth is, I never was. I was never either of theirs. "You're an idiot!" I told her. I meant it.
"What did you call me?"
"An idiot!"
"You little bitch!"
Daniel had his arms wrapped around me with his face on my stomach. He was shaking. "Why don't you just leave us alone? Go fight somewhere else!" She lost it. She ran up to the bed and grabbed me by the wrist. Daniel fell off the bed and began to cry. "I'll show you." She tried to show me. We rolled on the ground as she tried to hit me in the face. I didn't let her. I wouldn't in front of Daniel. Mike stood and watched. He didn't care. All he cared about was himself. He wasn't my dad. She almost got me that time. Almost hit my right eye. Almost. "Get off of me!"
She got up from the ground. "One of these days you're going to end up raped and murdered and I won't care!" She said with no regret. I didn't reply. How could I? I stood up slowly. I had to make a clean escape. I had to leave. Where to? I don't know. I sat on the bed. Daniel hugged my back.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"I'm leaving."
"You're not going anywhere."
Mike finally spoke. There was never any emotion in his voice. He always seemed so empty. Was I empty? Born from these two. These monsters. Am I a monster? If not yet, will I become one? The apple doesn't far from the tree, I imagined someone would one day say. I shuddered at the thought. "Let her leave. Little shit deserves to be in the streets." I put on my white shoes. My favorite pair Daniel bought me last year. He saved up all his money just for them.
"Don't listen to her."
"It's okay, Mike. I'll go."
"Finally!" She yelled.
"She's only sixteen!"
"I was fifteen when I was on my own!" She continued.
"And look how you turned out!" I yelled and slammed my door. It was over for the night. I'm not sure how all of this got started but to be honest, it doesn't matter. If not today, it would have been tomorrow. "Are you really leaving?" Daniel said in a sad tone. I nodded. He didn't want me to go. He didn't want to be left alone. I kissed him on the forehead.
"It's okay, they won't hurt you."
"Don't go."
"I have to go."
"No you don't."
"Yes, Danny, I have to."
I kissed his cheek this time. He's so young, so fragile, so pretty. "I'll be back. You'll be alright." I walked over to the book shelf. I didn't have many books anymore. She always threw them away when she'd go on a random tantrum.
"Here."
"What's that?"
"It's my favorite book."
"Your favorite?" He smiled.
"My favorite. It's called Cartoon Blues. I want you to have it."
"But you won't have it." He said afraid he was taking something important from me. I pulled out my copy of it from my back pack. "I have another one. The one I'm giving you is my first copy of it." I messed with his hair. "You just take care of it. It's a story about love, death, and the after life. You'll love it. Maybe one day you'll understand it." I continued to put stuff in my bag.
"How long will you be gone?"
"I don't know."
"So why are you leaving?"
"Because it just feels right. I can't be here for awhile."
"But will you be okay? Where will you sleep?"
"I don't know, Danny. I don't know."
I tried not to cry. I didn't like being interrogated. Especially by him. "Can I come with you?" Damn. He knows how to play the strings on my heart, doesn't he? "No. You have to stay here." He couldn't come with me. It would be too scary for him. Hell, it was scary for me. I'm not showing it, but I'm terrified. I don't know what I'm doing. But what else is there?
"I'll be fine, Danny. You just go to bed. Sleep here if you'd like."
"It's not fair." He crossed his arms.
"Life's not fair." I kissed him again on his warm forehead. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave. I had to leave. "Goodbye, Danny. I love you." I left before he could reply.
"Shit!"
I said sitting against a wall by a dirt field. My Ipod is dead and my cd player is CD-less. I'm basically screwed. It's okay, I'll hit up the record store tomorrow. I guess it's just me and the sound of insects for the night. I need to make my way to the nearest park and find myself a dry place to sleep. "Fuck this shit." I walked on for a while before I found a place to sleep.
"Ew, what's that smell?" Sarah Jones said as I walked by. Her friends laughed I'm guessing because they knew it was me. I wonder if she knew how many fucks I gave that day. "This." I punched her in the face. One, twice, three times. "Open your mouth again bitch and it will be worse next time." The school security hauled me to the counselors office.
"Mrs. Callahan, this is your second fight of the semester. I'm afraid I can't have this."
"It won't happen again."
"You said that last time."
"I know, but, Mrs. Bartlett, I had a rough night at home and I couldn't stand the bitch talking-"
"Excuse me?"
"I couldn't stand her talking trash as if my life needs any more crap in it."
I had to play my cards right. I didn't need getting expelled on top of things. School was my only way out of this city. "You're suspended for two days. I don't want to hear another word about it. You really need to think about what you're doing with your life, young lady." I nodded. I always did.
"That's the last one."
He grabbed it at the same time as me. What are the odds? I don't want to look at him. "I know, that's why I grabbed it." I wish he'd let go of it. He doesn't know how much I need this music right now.
"Well, I really want it." I told him calmly.
"As do I."
"You can wait until they get more."
"Why can't you wait?"
"I said it first."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
He was right. What did that have to do with anything? Wait what, he just let go. Play it cool. "I thought so." Wow, he's, well, yeah, he's handsome, isn't he? Time to walk away. "Wait!" He's following me. Just great, a stalker to top things off. At least he's cute though. It could be worse. Right? Right?
"Can I help you?"
"What's your name?"
"What time is it?"
He told me the time but I didn't really care. I wanted to see him fumble for his phone so I could think things over. What to do, what to do, what to do? I know! You only live once, right?
"My name is Bree Callahan."
I kissed him. I don't regret it. Not even to this day. Thinking back, I wonder if things would have been different. Would I be in love? Would I have grown into who I am today? He was a great kisser. He held my wrists tightly. He held my wrists. I liked it. I liked him. I pushed him away.
"What's your name, fucker?"
He licked his lips.
"My name's Sonny Stone."
We continued until we were kicked out. My day, well, it wasn't so bad anymore. I ran into a beautiful boy who held my wrists the right way. Not the way my parents would when they poured their anger out onto me. By the way, I miss Danny. I looked down at my white shoes. They were muddy now. It made me a bit sad. I always did my best to keep them clean. Sonny ran his hand through my hair. I looked up at him. He didn't say anything.
"What do you want to do?"
"Anything you wanna do." He said as he held my hand.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
1. Smiles and her Laughter
"Can I call you Breezy?"
I asked her. Her name is Bree Victoria Callahan. She's my girl. She hasn't always been though. Just in case you're wondering, this part of the story hasn't happened yet, at least for you. Well, I love her. It was only yesterday I met her in the record store.
"That's the last one."
She said as we both grabbed the last Eyes Shut album. I couldn't help but look at her though. She had long dirty blond hair and green eyes. She was beautiful. What was she doing listening to Eyes Shut?
"I know, that's why I grabbed it."
I retaliated. I wasn't stupid, I saw the obvious. Later I'd find out that was what she did to troll people. "Well, I really want it." She said softly that I barely heard her. Let me be clear that I'm not sexist and so her having a vagina meant nothing to this stand off we had going.
"As do I." I replied.
"You can wait until they get more."
"Why can't you wait?"
"I said it first."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
What is going on here? Why am I fighting with this pretty girl as opposed to trying to know her name? I let go of the album. She finally looked up at me. "I thought so." She said with a half-smile and walked away. That smile, that face.
"Damn."
I watched her walk away. I don't believe in love at first sight, and I still don't, but there was something about her. It must be something in the way she moves. Her tight jeans, her slender thighs, and her heels. "Wait!" I ran after her. She didn't stop. It made her even more attractive.
"Can I help you?"
She said with her back facing me.
"What's your name?"
She stopped walking. "What time is it?" I fumbled for my cell phone and opened it. "It's a quarter past four." That was a little odd, not to mention rude. "Come on." She grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the doors. Before we walked out she put the Eyes Shut album between a bunch of pop band's albums and we left. Why was she holding my hand? I didn't even know her name.
"I know what you're thinking."
Could she read my mind? "Don't worry, I have about fifteen minutes until I have to be home." She kicked open the men's restroom doors and pulled me in. She opened the stall. "Perfect." She flushed the toilet with her foot. "At least it doesn't stink." She pulled us both in.
"I think this is more private."
"What are we doing here?" I said nervously. How often do you get dragged into a restroom by a stranger? "I wanted to be alone." She doesn't even know me. "My name is Bree Callahan."
Her name is Bree Callahan. It fits her perfectly. Before I could say another thing we were kissing. She was rough. I liked it. She told me she liked my clothes and my blue eyes. She liked my hair because it reminded her of a soul singer in a band. She said she didn't know many that liked Eyes Shut. "Me neither." I said trying to catch my breath. How she was able to talk and kiss me at the same time I still haven't figured out today. And that's how I met her. That's how I met Breezy.
"Yes. I like that name."
She said after a brief moment. She set her book down in the grass. We had a long day before this and we decided to lay in the grass reading random philosophy books from my book case. I liked that about her. She had brains and beauty. She laughed every time I told her. She said she's just happy to have brains.
"That settles things, Breezy."
"Do I get to give you a nickname?"
She ran her fingers over the book's cover. The philosophy of Kant. "Only if you want to give me one." I said laying down in the grass watching her. She looked out ahead of us. "No, never mind. I don't want to give you one just because you gave me one." She turned to look at me and smiled. "It's my birthday in two minutes." She said happily. I knew this. She didn't have to remind me.
"I know. Did you think I had forgotten?"
She nodded. She knew I knew. She just liked hearing herself talk about it. She came from a broken home, birthdays meant nothing over there. Broken homes meant broken memories. Hell, memories that never existed and if they did, well, you didn't want to remember them. We could relate to that. We knew the importance of a birthday. Life was tough for us both growing up and we had the scars to prove it. Thinking about it though, I don't know how war could make a girl so gentle on the inside. Sure she played the hardcore bitch often but behind the walls she put up there was a porcelain heart that would break if it was shook one more time. I would never shake it. I wouldn't dream of it.
"What are we going to do for it?"
She lied back next to me. We were both looking at the stars now. It was almost midnight. "Anything you want to do." I smiled. She held my hand. "Can we sleep here?" She said calmly.
"Your parents would blow up."
"It doesn't matter. It's my birthday."
"Yeah, but I don't want you to get in trouble."
"Whocares. It doesn't matter to me."
"I don't want them to hurt you."
Those words stopped her. She didn't like thinking about it but I had to say it. It was the only way to make her not do anything reckless. A month ago her dad almost broke her jaw. I almost killed him the next day. I would have killed him. I would have. If not for her. She protected him to protect herself. Still so young, she'd be sent away if her parents were arrested. You might say she stopped me to stay with me. It's tragic, but she dealt with it. She'd poke fun the next couple days every time I kissed her saying I was kissing the girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her. She didn't know how much that bothered me. She didn't know. I wanted to help her find something better. I still do. I want to help her find something better if there is something better.
"Fine."
She said quietly. I raised her hand to my lips and kissed her hand. "Happy Birthday." She turned to look at me. Her eyes shined with the moon in them. "Thank you." she motioned with her lips, without really saying it. Here we were. Two young kids in love. You can call it what you want, we don't care. How could someone really tell us any differently? When she says she loves me, I believe her. She believes me.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
We kissed. How did she become mine? How did I catch her? What idiot guy let her go? Killed those thoughts. I don't care to know who else had been me before. She's mine now and I'm hers. The past is now buried. I put my hand into my pocket.
"What are you doing?"
She said as she stopped kissing me. "Hold on." I tried to pull out her gift. "What is it?" She said seeing the black box. I looked at her impatiently. She knew what it was. "It's yours." She took the box from my hands and kissed me. Surprisingly, she laughed when she saw what was inside.
"It's a promise ring? You are so gay!"
"It's not a promise ring."
"Sure does look like one."
"But it's not. It's just a ring."
Her smile disappeared. She always wanted the truth but her face always showed signs of bitterness each time she got it. I laughed. "Relax bro." she laughed. "It's a ring but it's a ring with words." She looked up at me.
"I love you, Breezy. I love you so fucking much. Now I know I'm going to sound really cliche and like a boy band from the 90's but I really don't care. You are, you are everything to me, B. These past two months have been too amazing. Every day, and yes we have spent every day since we met together, has been special in its own way. You've changed me, dude. You've made me more of a man than my parents have. More than I've done for myself. Without you, well I'd probably still just being a walking corpse that never felt the life of love."
"You're being cheesy."
"No I'm not. Shut up, alright?" She didn't say another thing.
"I'm not used to this, despite all I've said. Happy sounds, smiles, laughter. It's brand new to my little life. What could I do though? I still can't help but letting it enter me. Letting you enter me. Not in a nasty way, but in a serious one. You are amazing, and sometimes I forget to breathe around you. Good thing it's instinctual or I'd be dead. Breezy Callahan," I put the ring on her finger. "I give you this ring to just say I love you and that nothing will separate us. I will always be yours." I said. Her eyes were watery now. I told you, porcelain heart.
"You will?"
"I will."
She kissed me again. Her face hit my face hard this time. It hurt but I didn't mind. I never mind when she bashed my face in while trying to kiss me all exited. She couldn't do any wrong.
"You're something else, you know that?"
I nodded. She liked my confidence. She said it made me who I am. "I thought you said this wasn't a promise ring." She said as she got on top of me.
"It's not."
"It sure sounded like one."
"Shut up."
"Or what?"
I kissed her. We made love under the stars, under a blanket, wrapped like shoelaces that would never come undone. Never. We didn't care what the world thought about this. We were young and stupid, but we wouldn't have it any other way.
"What's your name, fucker?"
She said in the boys stall as she pushed me away. I licked my lips. She was nice.
"My name's Sonny Stone."
My name's Sonny Mullen Stone. That's what I told her.
I asked her. Her name is Bree Victoria Callahan. She's my girl. She hasn't always been though. Just in case you're wondering, this part of the story hasn't happened yet, at least for you. Well, I love her. It was only yesterday I met her in the record store.
"That's the last one."
She said as we both grabbed the last Eyes Shut album. I couldn't help but look at her though. She had long dirty blond hair and green eyes. She was beautiful. What was she doing listening to Eyes Shut?
"I know, that's why I grabbed it."
I retaliated. I wasn't stupid, I saw the obvious. Later I'd find out that was what she did to troll people. "Well, I really want it." She said softly that I barely heard her. Let me be clear that I'm not sexist and so her having a vagina meant nothing to this stand off we had going.
"As do I." I replied.
"You can wait until they get more."
"Why can't you wait?"
"I said it first."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
What is going on here? Why am I fighting with this pretty girl as opposed to trying to know her name? I let go of the album. She finally looked up at me. "I thought so." She said with a half-smile and walked away. That smile, that face.
"Damn."
I watched her walk away. I don't believe in love at first sight, and I still don't, but there was something about her. It must be something in the way she moves. Her tight jeans, her slender thighs, and her heels. "Wait!" I ran after her. She didn't stop. It made her even more attractive.
"Can I help you?"
She said with her back facing me.
"What's your name?"
She stopped walking. "What time is it?" I fumbled for my cell phone and opened it. "It's a quarter past four." That was a little odd, not to mention rude. "Come on." She grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the doors. Before we walked out she put the Eyes Shut album between a bunch of pop band's albums and we left. Why was she holding my hand? I didn't even know her name.
"I know what you're thinking."
Could she read my mind? "Don't worry, I have about fifteen minutes until I have to be home." She kicked open the men's restroom doors and pulled me in. She opened the stall. "Perfect." She flushed the toilet with her foot. "At least it doesn't stink." She pulled us both in.
"I think this is more private."
"What are we doing here?" I said nervously. How often do you get dragged into a restroom by a stranger? "I wanted to be alone." She doesn't even know me. "My name is Bree Callahan."
Her name is Bree Callahan. It fits her perfectly. Before I could say another thing we were kissing. She was rough. I liked it. She told me she liked my clothes and my blue eyes. She liked my hair because it reminded her of a soul singer in a band. She said she didn't know many that liked Eyes Shut. "Me neither." I said trying to catch my breath. How she was able to talk and kiss me at the same time I still haven't figured out today. And that's how I met her. That's how I met Breezy.
"Yes. I like that name."
She said after a brief moment. She set her book down in the grass. We had a long day before this and we decided to lay in the grass reading random philosophy books from my book case. I liked that about her. She had brains and beauty. She laughed every time I told her. She said she's just happy to have brains.
"That settles things, Breezy."
"Do I get to give you a nickname?"
She ran her fingers over the book's cover. The philosophy of Kant. "Only if you want to give me one." I said laying down in the grass watching her. She looked out ahead of us. "No, never mind. I don't want to give you one just because you gave me one." She turned to look at me and smiled. "It's my birthday in two minutes." She said happily. I knew this. She didn't have to remind me.
"I know. Did you think I had forgotten?"
She nodded. She knew I knew. She just liked hearing herself talk about it. She came from a broken home, birthdays meant nothing over there. Broken homes meant broken memories. Hell, memories that never existed and if they did, well, you didn't want to remember them. We could relate to that. We knew the importance of a birthday. Life was tough for us both growing up and we had the scars to prove it. Thinking about it though, I don't know how war could make a girl so gentle on the inside. Sure she played the hardcore bitch often but behind the walls she put up there was a porcelain heart that would break if it was shook one more time. I would never shake it. I wouldn't dream of it.
"What are we going to do for it?"
She lied back next to me. We were both looking at the stars now. It was almost midnight. "Anything you want to do." I smiled. She held my hand. "Can we sleep here?" She said calmly.
"Your parents would blow up."
"It doesn't matter. It's my birthday."
"Yeah, but I don't want you to get in trouble."
"Whocares. It doesn't matter to me."
"I don't want them to hurt you."
Those words stopped her. She didn't like thinking about it but I had to say it. It was the only way to make her not do anything reckless. A month ago her dad almost broke her jaw. I almost killed him the next day. I would have killed him. I would have. If not for her. She protected him to protect herself. Still so young, she'd be sent away if her parents were arrested. You might say she stopped me to stay with me. It's tragic, but she dealt with it. She'd poke fun the next couple days every time I kissed her saying I was kissing the girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her. She didn't know how much that bothered me. She didn't know. I wanted to help her find something better. I still do. I want to help her find something better if there is something better.
"Fine."
She said quietly. I raised her hand to my lips and kissed her hand. "Happy Birthday." She turned to look at me. Her eyes shined with the moon in them. "Thank you." she motioned with her lips, without really saying it. Here we were. Two young kids in love. You can call it what you want, we don't care. How could someone really tell us any differently? When she says she loves me, I believe her. She believes me.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
We kissed. How did she become mine? How did I catch her? What idiot guy let her go? Killed those thoughts. I don't care to know who else had been me before. She's mine now and I'm hers. The past is now buried. I put my hand into my pocket.
"What are you doing?"
She said as she stopped kissing me. "Hold on." I tried to pull out her gift. "What is it?" She said seeing the black box. I looked at her impatiently. She knew what it was. "It's yours." She took the box from my hands and kissed me. Surprisingly, she laughed when she saw what was inside.
"It's a promise ring? You are so gay!"
"It's not a promise ring."
"Sure does look like one."
"But it's not. It's just a ring."
Her smile disappeared. She always wanted the truth but her face always showed signs of bitterness each time she got it. I laughed. "Relax bro." she laughed. "It's a ring but it's a ring with words." She looked up at me.
"I love you, Breezy. I love you so fucking much. Now I know I'm going to sound really cliche and like a boy band from the 90's but I really don't care. You are, you are everything to me, B. These past two months have been too amazing. Every day, and yes we have spent every day since we met together, has been special in its own way. You've changed me, dude. You've made me more of a man than my parents have. More than I've done for myself. Without you, well I'd probably still just being a walking corpse that never felt the life of love."
"You're being cheesy."
"No I'm not. Shut up, alright?" She didn't say another thing.
"I'm not used to this, despite all I've said. Happy sounds, smiles, laughter. It's brand new to my little life. What could I do though? I still can't help but letting it enter me. Letting you enter me. Not in a nasty way, but in a serious one. You are amazing, and sometimes I forget to breathe around you. Good thing it's instinctual or I'd be dead. Breezy Callahan," I put the ring on her finger. "I give you this ring to just say I love you and that nothing will separate us. I will always be yours." I said. Her eyes were watery now. I told you, porcelain heart.
"You will?"
"I will."
She kissed me again. Her face hit my face hard this time. It hurt but I didn't mind. I never mind when she bashed my face in while trying to kiss me all exited. She couldn't do any wrong.
"You're something else, you know that?"
I nodded. She liked my confidence. She said it made me who I am. "I thought you said this wasn't a promise ring." She said as she got on top of me.
"It's not."
"It sure sounded like one."
"Shut up."
"Or what?"
I kissed her. We made love under the stars, under a blanket, wrapped like shoelaces that would never come undone. Never. We didn't care what the world thought about this. We were young and stupid, but we wouldn't have it any other way.
"What's your name, fucker?"
She said in the boys stall as she pushed me away. I licked my lips. She was nice.
"My name's Sonny Stone."
My name's Sonny Mullen Stone. That's what I told her.
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